Patients, waiting, and wanting.

Patients has been a big prayer of mine for a long time. And I know that God is not going to just "grant" me patients. He's much more likely to give me opportunities to be patient. Ugh. It's kinda like asking to be cursed, right!?

Well. I also have a thing with "wants." I don't like wanting things. For instance, I'll avoid shopping at a place I know I'll love or know is having a big sale because I don't want to want. I don't want to tempt myself. Especially when it's things I don't need.

Well lately (umm, the past 3 years?) I've REALLY been wanting a house. A home. Someplace where I can paint the walls, care to organize, clean, and decorate. I want to live in a community where I know I can invest time into that won't be wasted (find a church I won't be uprooted from in a year, meet other moms, join a gym, etc).

I've never liked forming relationships that I know won't last. For instance -when I was younger, at the end of a week at camp, when everyone was exchanging addresses, I was often alone. I hadn't formed any friendships. I really honestly didn't want to! I didn't want to be fake, and tell someone I'd write/call all the time or hear that I'd be missed so much. Ich - realistically these relationships are so totally forgotten with a week. I know I miss out on a LOT when I have this attitude. It's horrible of me. But I want to invest in something real. Something super meaningful and longlasting.

This means that... I never invest time in anything new. Everytime we sign a new lease on an apartment I just know that all the boxes will be packed right back up in 1 year. This is NOT a long enough time to settle in and get really comfortable. Some boxes often never get unpacked. I don't really care or try to get to know my new surroundings that well. I guess if I'll be leaving so soon, I don't want to have to be sad to go.

What I'm trying to get at is... for the past eight years I've felt like I've been patiently waiting and wanting. Haven't I been patient long enough!? I'm building... I have my education, I have an incredible husband, a perfect baby boy, and a good start on my career. I just want a place where I can put it all and I know it won't be changing on me in the next year. I'd like some more stability. I crave it.

Ryan has a little over a year until he finishes grad school and gets his masters. He is so awesome. So right now we just wait. I can't even look for a house until we know where he'll be working (especially with the economy).

I think the most frustrating part for me is that we've already started our family. I want to give Sullivan the stability that I'm longing for. And I really want our family to grow! But our situation is not ideal for another baby. It wasn't ideal for the first one either so... do we just say "bring on the insanity!" or do we wait? ( More patients, waiting, and wanting...)

Grr. I am so happy. I have been so incredibly blessed with what I have. Thats why I hate this wanting feeling. As if I'm not fulfilled. I wish I could just shake it off. I know in my heart that what I want is coming. God has awesome plans for us. What I need to do is just look around and enjoy His plan that I am living in presently. Looking ahead to the future is great, but not if that's what you're living for.

Soaking up the present. That is my new goal. I don't need to be patient. I have everything that I need for right now, right now. This will be my focus.

Gosh, I had know idea that this post was going play out and end like this!